Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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