you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
