she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
