hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
