Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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