I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
