You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
