sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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