I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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