who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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