i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
