she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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