Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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