Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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