i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
