Umm I'm too high to move.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
