I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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