The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
