Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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