when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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