My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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