you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
