I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
