I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
