Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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