i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
