Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
