she looked like the bat from fern gully.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
