you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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