Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
