I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
