I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
