Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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