He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
