I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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