I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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