Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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