I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
