at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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