my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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