No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
