Jerry, you need to find god
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
