Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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