i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
