I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
