So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
