its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
