someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
