I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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