apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
